The Office: More Reality Than First Expected

While watching the fourth season of The Office on my blackberry this week, I came across a connection that stopped me in my proverbial tracks. I realize that history repeats itself - blah blah blah. But this is uncanny. All the time I've been thinking The Office was a spoof on reality shows, and now it is quite clear to me. The Office is a reality show that makes fun of spoofs on reality shows.

Here is a peice of dialog from the 4th season, 1st episode, taped July 18, 2007*:

---

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car. It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her.. life.. they did the best that they could.... and she is going to be OK.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?
Oscar: So she's really going to be fine?
Michael Scott: Yes, she has a slight pelvical fracture, but people have survived far worse.
Pam: Thank God you were there.
Michael Scott: I know.
Andy Bernard: Did you see who did it?
Dwight Schrute: No need. We can just check the security tapes.
Michael Scott: Kind of good news bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly because I was in the car that hit her.
Jim Halpert: Who was driving?
[Michael pauses and is speechless]
Pam: Oh Michael.

---

Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then?

---

Dwight Schrute: It's only Meredith.
Michael Scott: Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God. But did you see the way they looked at me? Like I was a murderer or something.
Dwight Schrute: Hey... why did you do it?
Michael Scott: It was an accident.
Dwight Schrute: Was she talking back?
Michael Scott: No
Dwight Schrute: You got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh-oh, is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances?

---

---

Michael Scott: I love my employees. Even though I hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off this unavoidable tragedy and on to more positive things. So I thought we should plant a tree.

---

Michael Scott: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don't know... I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. No, don't sue me... that's the opposite of the point I'm trying to make.


Also this week, in the face of the death of Senator Ted Kennedy, I found this little piece of old news. I think when you read it, you'll see my point about The Office:

On July 18, 1969, Kopechne attended a party on Chappaquiddick Island, off the coast of Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts, held in honor of the Boiler Room Girls. It was the fourth such reunion of the Robert Kennedy campaign workers.^[11]

Mary Jo Kopechne reportedly left the party at 11:15 p.m. with Robert's brother Ted Kennedy, after he — according to his own account — offered to drive her to catch the last ferry back to Edgartown, where she was staying.^[6] She did not tell her close friends at the party that she was leaving and she left her purse and keys behind.^[6]

Kennedy stated he made a wrong turn on the way and came upon a narrow, unlit bridge without guardrails. Kennedy drove the 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88 off the bridge and it overturned in the water. Kennedy extricated himself from the submerged car but Kopechne died, after what Kennedy said were several diving attempts to free her.^[6]

Kennedy contacted several aides that night, but failed to report the incident to the authorities until the car and Kopechne's body were discovered the next morning.^[6] Kopechne's parents said that they learned of their daughter's death from Ted Kennedy himself^[1] before he reported his involvement to the authorities, but that they learned Kennedy had been the driver only from wire press releases some time later.^[4]

Later, it was reported that Kennedy planted a tree in Kopechne's honor.*

*I did give myself just a tiny bit of poetic license for this article, but the rest is real!

Resveratrol: Just the Beginning

I found out about a new drug last week from an advertisement in my spam folder. At first I thought it must be too good to be true - Really??! A pill that I can take to get the same antioxidant benefits as a glass of red wine!?! But sure enough, I looked it up on Wikipedia and found that the ingredients in Reservatrol are found in the skin of red grapes and are also a constituent of red wine. How lucky that I no longer have to drink red wine to get its benefits! It got me to thinking there must be similar drugs out there. I did a little research, and here's what I found:

Humulus Lupulus: One of these per day will thankfully replace that nasty beer I despise so much. This little pill is packed with all the benefits of hops and barley such as alleviating anxiety, restlessness, and insomnia.

Cioccolata: Be gone from me Godiva, depart you withering Dove Candy Bar, free me from your clutches Lindt Swiss Chocolate Truffles that melt in my mouth. Now I can take 2 pills instead. This drug, developed by the same people who took away red wine, is supposed to help reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease, prevent fat-like substances in the bloodstream from clogging arteries, and reduce the risk of blood clots.

Vanus: I have a lot of hope for this little miracle. Medically touted to take the place of gossiping, it supposedly sends endorphins from nerve endings in the tongue and inner ear to the sensitive receptors in the brain. Reportedly this same research firm is getting ready to develop it's sister, Populo, which replaces reading People magazine.

Diaita: For about the same price as 4 cases of Diet Coke, you can buy one bottle of 30 tablets of Diaita. There are no reported benefits, except that you'll no longer be forced to gulp down that nasty mixture of carbonated water, carmel coloring, aspartame, and phosphoric acid. I don't know how they pack all those ingredients in a pill the size of a small beetle, but they do! As for concerns - I've googled and googled but can't find a definative answer.

Copulare: Not released yet, but the promise of this drug on the horizon is good enough for me. The drug company Funnomore, based in Colorado Springs, CO, is working 24/7 to get this out in time for Mardi Gras. One chewable tablet per day reportedly leaves one feeling relaxed, contented, and with a sense that all is right in the world.

Neighborhood Watch: Sunless Tanning

I hate to report this next neighborhood infraction, but I would be doing my immediate community a disservice if I did not.

This particular neighbor was planning to run one of her silly little races - she don't look like no runner I'VE ever seen, so I think she must either run only every 5th step, or have that hot husband of hers* drive her just short of the finish line, and she runs the remaining 100 feet. But, whatever.

As she was leaving for the race, I caught sight of her legs below her XL running shorts. She has very fair skin - but to be honest, we all do. The sun only shines on our bare legs maybe 2 months out of the year, if we're lucky. I figured she must have felt self-conscious about her legs being so white, and tried using some sunless tanning lotion. It was hideously orange, and very splotchy. I decided to ask her about it. For my blog.

Me: Lois**, what happened to your legs?

Lois: Oh, that? I read this article on the world wide web about how some people use sunless tanning cream to sculpture their legs, using lighter and darker tones to shade in their muscles so they look more defined. What do you think?

Me: Wow Lois - is that really fake tan? It looks so real! And those muscles! You may have missed one little spot there on your knee....oh, and lookie, there are a couple of places the lotion ran down the back of your leg before it dried. Other than that, I never would have guessed....

(except that you've missed huge areas on the sides and backs of your legs, and I think you shaded the wrong places, which may have actually reversed the effect you were going for. Maybe next time, you shouldn't try this at home - GO TO A PROFESSIONAL. I'm sorry Lois, but you're just weird, and I'm going to have to report you on my blog***.)

*What a HUNK!
**Not her real name
***If I don't, someone else will

Undercover: Amish

It was after dark Sabbath night when I landed on the front porch of a "distant cousin" in southern Wisconsin's Amish community. I introduced myself as Mrs. Annie Yoder, the young, childless, grieving widow of the late Joshua Yoder, from Lancaster, PA.

I was trustingly shown to a plain bedroom on the second floor. The walls were white-washed, and a beautiful double wedding ring quilt lay quaintly on the bed. The floors were bare wood, except for a small braided rug that lay nearby. I was tired from my journey, so fell quickly asleep; my last thought being "Ever hear of air-conditioning?"

4:45 am Monday morning: I was woken by an horrendous noise. I can't describe the sound, except to say that it was most unwelcome. My cousins cheerfully called up to me to "Rise and shine Sister, morning has graciously arrived!" I stumbled around for a bit looking for a light switch so I could get to the bathroom in time. There was no light switch, and no bathroom. I didn't quite make it downstairs and outside to the outhouse in as timely a manner as I would have liked.

Later, I put two and two together, and groggily told my "distant cousins"- over our dark, candle-lit breakfast - that I would be most happy to butcher a plump hen for the evening meal. "Denki" they said. "No, Den-KI", I answered, with a smile.

There was only silence when I brought the poultry in several hours later, stripped of his life, feathers, and his cocky attitude. I humbly apologized when they told me of my error, but added that it must be an easy mistake for any newcomer to make. I slept so wonderfully the next morning that the humility at having to apologize was well worth it.

Neighborhood Watch

In an ongoing effort to clean up our neighborhood, I am starting a regular post on weird things we catch the neighbors doing in hopes they will read this blog and see the error of their ways. This was inspired most recently by my discovery of some "play money" belonging to one boy who lives near us*.

You can see in this picture that he takes beer bottle caps from his irresponsible parents and pounds them with a hammer until they are flat. He then puts them in the change compartment of his wallet and pretends they are coins. He seemed very proud of the 4** coins he has collected and pounded flat so far.


If his parents are reading this, I hope I can communicate in a non-threatening manner that you're WEIRD and maybe you should think about what you are teaching your child. I know its difficult to see how your current decisions can affect your children long term, but this can't be good. Just so you and the rest of our neighbors know, we're WATCHING YOU, and are hoping to crack down on the weirdness in this neighborhood in the next few months.

*I can't say exactly how near, in order to protect his identity.
**This is an estimate. I hesitate to say exactly how many "coins" he has collected.

Greenland: It Goes Both Ways

I'm half crying, half mad, half in shock. I can hardly type.

I just looked at Google Analytics, and I've had blog visitors from all over the world...except for Greenland. So I quit. I am boycotting Greenland. It goes both ways, folks. You don't visit me, I don't visit you.

One would think that out of 2.1 million square miles of terrain and 57,564 inhabitants, at least one person would Google the words "egyptian porn" and find my blog.

Wallets on a Chain

I had the unfortunate experience several months ago to need new tires for our minivan. Unfortunately, it wasn't only the cost that was unfortunate. It was the man with his wallet chain worn from back pocket, between his legs, and clipped on his front belt loop. Something I'd rather not have to look at for 45 minutes in a waiting room. He didn't sit down while he was waiting - I imagine that wouldn't work so hot with his wallet being on a rather tight leash.

But as frequently happens, something negative can be turned into a positive. I went home that night trying to look for the silver lining in having a chain between my legs and not being able to sit down. And it occurred to me that one might expend more calories if they couldn't sit down and had to spend the majority of their time standing. So that very night, I ordered one of these off the internet:

I had my husband lengthen the chain for me just a little bit but not enough that I could sit down without quite a bit of discomfort. In fact, here's a chart to look at. When you're sitting down, you want to be somewhere between pink and red, but either apple green or lime green when standing up or lying flat, so you can stand and sleep in relative comfort.

Within a couple of days, I started noticing the extra weight that I'd been carrying around for years seemingly melt away. I began journaling my experience with the chain, and recording my food intake, estimated calorie expenditure, and weight loss each day. After only one month, I had lost an astounding 50 pounds!*

I am currently trying to find a publisher for my new book. I guess there are still some hoops to jump through - like making certain my idea will be safe from lawsuits, and testing my claim, etc - but I can't foresee any problems. Its obviously a very credible method for weight loss.

*results not typical, number may be exaggerated for literary purposes.

Open Letter to the Cub Foods Comic

To the stand up comedian in the grocery store check-out aisle:

You may or may not remember me, but I was in your aisle yesterday, and have some advice for your little one-man show:

Brush your teeth. If you're going to trap us in the check out isle and share your witticisms, please brush, or at least pop in a tic-tac after that cigarette.

Keep it short. We're trapped against our will. Our groceries are being rung up, and we're trying to pay for them as fast as we can. We can't leave. You win - so have mercy on us.

Get some new material. That stuff you said about Bill Clinton's been said before, and it wasn't really that funny the first time I heard it.

Don't steal the show. Interact, and let others participate a little. You aren't the only person in line who thinks they're funny.

Know when to quit. If someone has paid for their groceries, and are walking away from the isle towards the door pushing a heavy cart while trying to keep track of 5 kids, let them go. Don't keep trying to get in that last one-liner.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

10 Great Gift Ideas for the Birthday Boy!

We have a birthday coming up at our house for an 8 year old boy, so I was doing some toy shopping at Amazon.com. I found some really great gift ideas - I linked the pictures to Amazon so you can go there quickly. The hardest part is not buying ALL of them! My very favorite was this N. California Narcotics Unit Lego Set, but here are 9 others worth mentioning:

A Real 6-foot whip!

Nothing makes a better gift than candy cigarettes

Webkinz Rottweiler (with trading cards)

The Ricky Bobby Malt Liquor Semi-Trailer Car Transport

and finally, Pulp Fiction Action Figures from the Drug Overdose Scene

Toby Keith and Natalie Maines - a Cowboy Love Song

We thought they were enemies - but I think when you listen to this, you may find they've been putting on a little show for all of us to disguise what was really going on...

Click Here for the Duet We Never Knew About

Piloga and Yogates

A few days ago, my husband asked me* I decided to pick up a yoga video at the store so that he I could start stretching in the morning. Neither of us has ever dabbled in the stretching/strengthening exercises before, but I've always been curious. And since his request my idea involved purchasing something at a store, I gladly complied.

Yesterday I brought home a yoga mat, a yoga video, and a Pilates video. I did the yoga video first - a short 10 minute workout, then put the Pilates video in. I was about 2 minutes into the Pilates video when it occurred to me that some reinventing of the yoga wheel has been happening. Now granted, this is my first introduction into yoga and/or Pilates, and I'm only of average intelligence, but I can't figure out why someone did some yoga and renamed it Pilates. When I say 'someone', I am talking about YOU Mr. Joseph Pilates. Yoga has been around for 5000 years, while Joseph came up with his 'new' exercise theology in 1928.

In this same spirit, I have come up with a new exercise too. I am going to call it Jazzercise, because I think it would be groovy to exercise to music. I also have created some warm footless socks to wear on my legs! I'm calling them legwarmers. You can see me here:


*I've been requested to remove any reference of my husband requesting a yoga video since apparently I didn't hear correctly and someone THAT MANLY obviously would have no interest in something like yoga.

What I Really Think of Interpretive Dance

We went to a local musical performance the other evening, which was very nice except for some interpretive sign language dancing that went on. I don't think we as an audience should have to watch that stuff. But, nevertheless, I looked it up when I got home and found some instructions on how to do it (in the privacy of your own home, please) :

• Pick your favorite song

• Write down what you'd like the song to communicate to others.
  

• Find the sign language movements for the action words of your song

• Make these sign language movements larger and more dramatic then the average sign language conversation(!)

• Always try to make the action words as literal as possible so that your audience can understand the meaning of your dance.

• Add turns, jumps and kicks in the appropriate places

• Facial expressions are vital in interpretive choreography, and must be in line with the emotions of the song.

After seeing the above picture of interpretive sign language dance, it occurred to me how much of the choreography for Britney Spears' music videos must have been created with the help of interpretive signing. Take the music video for the song "Circus" for example. I think if you look at the pictures below and their meaning, you'll agree with me that there is a lot more depth to Britney than we give her credit for:

In this shot, Britney is using the sign for children, and since she has both hands up by her chin, there are 2 children that she is thinking of, and wishing she were spending time with rather than making this music video.


Here, Britney is using her hat to hide behind. She is dying to self, and trying to focus on others. What is ironic is that she is singing about being in a spotlight in a "circus" while she is actually hiding from the "spotlight". This tells me she doesn't want her life to be about herself, but about others, specifically the children in Africa who are dying from malaria, or starving.


Britney is signing the exaggerated motion for food with electric "manna" falling from heaven. I think what she is trying to say here is how thankful she is to live in a free country and have food on her table and clothes in her closet. She also knows that it could be gone tomorrow.


You see that Britney is essentially putting herself in bondage with her arms wrapping around herself, and her little whip. She is making a statement, I believe, about domestic violence.


Britney uses this sign to portray wiping her nose, or sickness. You can see in her eyes that she is crying without tears. Very powerful. Its quite obvious that she is concerned about Manchausen's syndrome by proxy, where a mother exaggerates or creates symptoms or illnesses in themselves or their child/children in order to gain investigation, treatment, attention, sympathy, and comfort from medical personnel. How profound for her to think about, and speak out about this!


Here Britney is motioning us to come to her. I think what she is trying to tell us with this sign is that children and adults who are illiterate should not be ashamed of not being able to read but to COME FORWARD and get the help they need to learn. WOW. I had not even considered this before seeing this music video.