Neighborhood Watch: Sunless Tanning

I hate to report this next neighborhood infraction, but I would be doing my immediate community a disservice if I did not.

This particular neighbor was planning to run one of her silly little races - she don't look like no runner I'VE ever seen, so I think she must either run only every 5th step, or have that hot husband of hers* drive her just short of the finish line, and she runs the remaining 100 feet. But, whatever.

As she was leaving for the race, I caught sight of her legs below her XL running shorts. She has very fair skin - but to be honest, we all do. The sun only shines on our bare legs maybe 2 months out of the year, if we're lucky. I figured she must have felt self-conscious about her legs being so white, and tried using some sunless tanning lotion. It was hideously orange, and very splotchy. I decided to ask her about it. For my blog.

Me: Lois**, what happened to your legs?

Lois: Oh, that? I read this article on the world wide web about how some people use sunless tanning cream to sculpture their legs, using lighter and darker tones to shade in their muscles so they look more defined. What do you think?

Me: Wow Lois - is that really fake tan? It looks so real! And those muscles! You may have missed one little spot there on your knee....oh, and lookie, there are a couple of places the lotion ran down the back of your leg before it dried. Other than that, I never would have guessed....

(except that you've missed huge areas on the sides and backs of your legs, and I think you shaded the wrong places, which may have actually reversed the effect you were going for. Maybe next time, you shouldn't try this at home - GO TO A PROFESSIONAL. I'm sorry Lois, but you're just weird, and I'm going to have to report you on my blog***.)

*What a HUNK!
**Not her real name
***If I don't, someone else will


Tina T said...

I could just picture exactly what those splotchy orange legs must have looked like. Although I must admit, I'd find her way less annoying than my perfectly tanned neighbors who look impossible good in the ultra short running shorts. I think pale legs in shorts may be illegal in California.

Bring Back Pluto said...

You paint the picture well. Too well!! :)

Enjoyed your writing.
Your Friend,
Bring Back Pluto