Neighborhood Watch: Sunless Tanning

I hate to report this next neighborhood infraction, but I would be doing my immediate community a disservice if I did not.

This particular neighbor was planning to run one of her silly little races - she don't look like no runner I'VE ever seen, so I think she must either run only every 5th step, or have that hot husband of hers* drive her just short of the finish line, and she runs the remaining 100 feet. But, whatever.

As she was leaving for the race, I caught sight of her legs below her XL running shorts. She has very fair skin - but to be honest, we all do. The sun only shines on our bare legs maybe 2 months out of the year, if we're lucky. I figured she must have felt self-conscious about her legs being so white, and tried using some sunless tanning lotion. It was hideously orange, and very splotchy. I decided to ask her about it. For my blog.

Me: Lois**, what happened to your legs?

Lois: Oh, that? I read this article on the world wide web about how some people use sunless tanning cream to sculpture their legs, using lighter and darker tones to shade in their muscles so they look more defined. What do you think?

Me: Wow Lois - is that really fake tan? It looks so real! And those muscles! You may have missed one little spot there on your knee....oh, and lookie, there are a couple of places the lotion ran down the back of your leg before it dried. Other than that, I never would have guessed....

(except that you've missed huge areas on the sides and backs of your legs, and I think you shaded the wrong places, which may have actually reversed the effect you were going for. Maybe next time, you shouldn't try this at home - GO TO A PROFESSIONAL. I'm sorry Lois, but you're just weird, and I'm going to have to report you on my blog***.)

*What a HUNK!
**Not her real name
***If I don't, someone else will

Neighborhood Watch

In an ongoing effort to clean up our neighborhood, I am starting a regular post on weird things we catch the neighbors doing in hopes they will read this blog and see the error of their ways. This was inspired most recently by my discovery of some "play money" belonging to one boy who lives near us*.

You can see in this picture that he takes beer bottle caps from his irresponsible parents and pounds them with a hammer until they are flat. He then puts them in the change compartment of his wallet and pretends they are coins. He seemed very proud of the 4** coins he has collected and pounded flat so far.


If his parents are reading this, I hope I can communicate in a non-threatening manner that you're WEIRD and maybe you should think about what you are teaching your child. I know its difficult to see how your current decisions can affect your children long term, but this can't be good. Just so you and the rest of our neighbors know, we're WATCHING YOU, and are hoping to crack down on the weirdness in this neighborhood in the next few months.

*I can't say exactly how near, in order to protect his identity.
**This is an estimate. I hesitate to say exactly how many "coins" he has collected.

Name that Neighbor

I have a little holiday game for you to play - its called, aptly, "Name that Neighbor". Simply look at the picture below. Guess which K***** Drive neighbor of mine is in the picture. Then leave your guess in the comments section. Isn't this fun?