6.08.2009

Greenland: It Goes Both Ways

I'm half crying, half mad, half in shock. I can hardly type.

I just looked at Google Analytics, and I've had blog visitors from all over the world...except for Greenland. So I quit. I am boycotting Greenland. It goes both ways, folks. You don't visit me, I don't visit you.

One would think that out of 2.1 million square miles of terrain and 57,564 inhabitants, at least one person would Google the words "egyptian porn" and find my blog.

6.05.2009

Wallets on a Chain

I had the unfortunate experience several months ago to need new tires for our minivan. Unfortunately, it wasn't only the cost that was unfortunate. It was the man with his wallet chain worn from back pocket, between his legs, and clipped on his front belt loop. Something I'd rather not have to look at for 45 minutes in a waiting room. He didn't sit down while he was waiting - I imagine that wouldn't work so hot with his wallet being on a rather tight leash.

But as frequently happens, something negative can be turned into a positive. I went home that night trying to look for the silver lining in having a chain between my legs and not being able to sit down. And it occurred to me that one might expend more calories if they couldn't sit down and had to spend the majority of their time standing. So that very night, I ordered one of these off the internet:

I had my husband lengthen the chain for me just a little bit but not enough that I could sit down without quite a bit of discomfort. In fact, here's a chart to look at. When you're sitting down, you want to be somewhere between pink and red, but either apple green or lime green when standing up or lying flat, so you can stand and sleep in relative comfort.

Within a couple of days, I started noticing the extra weight that I'd been carrying around for years seemingly melt away. I began journaling my experience with the chain, and recording my food intake, estimated calorie expenditure, and weight loss each day. After only one month, I had lost an astounding 50 pounds!*

I am currently trying to find a publisher for my new book. I guess there are still some hoops to jump through - like making certain my idea will be safe from lawsuits, and testing my claim, etc - but I can't foresee any problems. Its obviously a very credible method for weight loss.

*results not typical, number may be exaggerated for literary purposes.

6.03.2009

Open Letter to the Cub Foods Comic

To the stand up comedian in the grocery store check-out aisle:

You may or may not remember me, but I was in your aisle yesterday, and have some advice for your little one-man show:

Brush your teeth. If you're going to trap us in the check out isle and share your witticisms, please brush, or at least pop in a tic-tac after that cigarette.

Keep it short. We're trapped against our will. Our groceries are being rung up, and we're trying to pay for them as fast as we can. We can't leave. You win - so have mercy on us.

Get some new material. That stuff you said about Bill Clinton's been said before, and it wasn't really that funny the first time I heard it.

Don't steal the show. Interact, and let others participate a little. You aren't the only person in line who thinks they're funny.

Know when to quit. If someone has paid for their groceries, and are walking away from the isle towards the door pushing a heavy cart while trying to keep track of 5 kids, let them go. Don't keep trying to get in that last one-liner.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

6.01.2009

10 Great Gift Ideas for the Birthday Boy!

We have a birthday coming up at our house for an 8 year old boy, so I was doing some toy shopping at Amazon.com. I found some really great gift ideas - I linked the pictures to Amazon so you can go there quickly. The hardest part is not buying ALL of them! My very favorite was this N. California Narcotics Unit Lego Set, but here are 9 others worth mentioning:

A Real 6-foot whip!

Nothing makes a better gift than candy cigarettes







Webkinz Rottweiler (with trading cards)


The Ricky Bobby Malt Liquor Semi-Trailer Car Transport

and finally, Pulp Fiction Action Figures from the Drug Overdose Scene


5.29.2009

Toby Keith and Natalie Maines - a Cowboy Love Song

We thought they were enemies - but I think when you listen to this, you may find they've been putting on a little show for all of us to disguise what was really going on...



5.27.2009

Piloga and Yogates


A few days ago, my husband asked me* I decided to pick up a yoga video at the store so that he I could start stretching in the morning. Neither of us has ever dabbled in the stretching/strengthening exercises before, but I've always been curious. And since his request my idea involved purchasing something at a store, I gladly complied.

Yesterday I brought home a yoga mat, a yoga video, and a Pilates video. I did the yoga video first - a short 10 minute workout, then put the Pilates video in. I was about 2 minutes into the Pilates video when it occurred to me that some reinventing of the yoga wheel has been happening. Now granted, this is my first introduction into yoga and/or Pilates, and I'm only of average intelligence, but I can't figure out why someone did some yoga and renamed it Pilates. When I say 'someone', I am talking about YOU Mr. Joseph Pilates. Yoga has been around for 5000 years, while Joseph came up with his 'new' exercise theology in 1928.

In this same spirit, I have come up with a new exercise too. I am going to call it Jazzercise, because I think it would be groovy to exercise to music. I also have created some warm footless socks to wear on my legs! I'm calling them legwarmers. You can see me here:


*I've been requested to remove any reference of my husband requesting a yoga video since apparently I didn't hear correctly and someone THAT MANLY obviously would have no interest in something like yoga.

5.25.2009

What I Really Think of Interpretive Dance

We went to a local musical performance the other evening, which was very nice except for some interpretive sign language dancing that went on. I don't think we as an audience should have to watch that stuff. But, nevertheless, I looked it up when I got home and found some instructions on how to do it (in the privacy of your own home, please) :
  • Pick your favorite song
  • Write down what you'd like the song to communicate to others.
  • Find the sign language movements for the action words of your song
  • Make these sign language movements larger and more dramatic then the average sign language conversation(!)
  • Always try to make the action words as literal as possible so that your audience can understand the meaning of your dance.
  • Add turns, jumps and kicks in the appropriate places
  • Facial expressions are vital in interpretive choreography, and must be in line with the emotions of the song.
After seeing the above picture of interpretive sign language dance, it occurred to me how much of the choreography for Britney Spears' music videos must have been created with the help of interpretive signing. Take the music video for the song "Circus" for example. I think if you look at the pictures below and their meaning, you'll agree with me that there is a lot more depth to Britney than we give her credit for:

In this shot, Britney is using the sign for children, and since she has both hands up by her chin, there are 2 children that she is thinking of, and wishing she were spending time with rather than making this music video.


Here, Britney is using her hat to hide behind. She is dying to self, and trying to focus on others. What is ironic is that she is singing about being in a spotlight in a "circus" while she is actually hiding from the "spotlight". This tells me she doesn't want her life to be about herself, but about others, specifically the children in Africa who are dying from malaria, or starving.


Britney is signing the exaggerated motion for food with electric "manna" falling from heaven. I think what she is trying to say here is how thankful she is to live in a free country and have food on her table and clothes in her closet. She also knows that it could be gone tomorrow.


You see that Britney is essentially putting herself in bondage with her arms wrapping around herself, and her little whip. She is making a statement, I believe, about domestic violence.


Britney uses this sign to portray wiping her nose, or sickness. You can see in her eyes that she is crying without tears. Very powerful. Its quite obvious that she is concerned about Manchausen's syndrome by proxy, where a mother exaggerates or creates symptoms or illnesses in themselves or their child/children in order to gain investigation, treatment, attention, sympathy, and comfort from medical personnel. How profound for her to think about, and speak out about this!


Here Britney is motioning us to come to her. I think what she is trying to tell us with this sign is that children and adults who are illiterate should not be ashamed of not being able to read but to COME FORWARD and get the help they need to learn. WOW. I had not even considered this before seeing this music video.

5.22.2009

James Brown vs Michael Jackson

Its never been done before, but here it all makes sense:





Click here for complete awesomeness





Next week: A tender duet between two arch enemies - don't miss it!


5.20.2009

Egyptian Porn

I've been checking out my site meter recently and notice there are a lot of hits from Egypt. Puzzled, I looked into it further to see what search words they were Googling that would lead them to my little piece of nothing blog. Egyptian Porn. Egyptian. Porn. It was a joke, because really, head scarves? Sexy? Who knew?

And its not only you pervies from Egypt who are Googling Egyptian porn. There were also weirdos from Melbourne, Australia and New Jersey looking for the same thing. I can only draw 2 conclusions:
  • If you want lots of hits on your blog, mention Egyptian porn.
  • If you want male attention, put on a head scarf, and leave your cami and low-rise jeans at home!

5.19.2009

Colin Firth

Colin, Colin, Colin. I have been a huge fan since first seeing you in the BBC's Pride and Prejudice masterpiece (5 whole entire hours of wonderfulness). Bridget Jones Diary 1 & 2 was very nice too. But I've read something today that may have brought you down a notch in my fan club.

I found out today that in my favorite scene ever, where you walk out of the lake next to your little cottage and see Ms. Elizabeth Bennett, you had a stuntman go into the lake in your place. Apparently you didn't want to be exposed to Weil's disease. I find it vexing really that it is all very well to have the stuntman exposed to this organism, which is found in rat urine, and causes extreme illness, and even death in 10% of human cases, but not yourself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that now my favorite actor is the brave stuntman who came out of the lake in the white shirt in the BBC series "Pride & Predjudice" Will that man please step forward, if still alive, to accept this prestigious award?

5.14.2009

Hall & Oats vs. Indigo Girls

As promised...




Click here to MIX IT UP





Come back next week for a super sweet fight between JB and MJ.