Housework Alert and Egyptian Porn in the News

GORHAM, Maine - Mara Ranger was removing clothes from the washing machine at her Maine farmhouse Wednesday, and the clothes moved. She jumped back and saw a snake. She quickly shut the lid and called for help.

Maine Animal Damage Control operator Richard Burton reached into the machine and pulled and pulled — all 8 feet of a reticulated python. Burton guesses the snake got into Ranger's washing machine through water pipes. This is EXACTLY why I can't recommend doing housework.

(CAIRO (AFP) In other news, it has been determined that the Muslim custom of covering heads to protect the women from tempting men isn't working, and may in fact, have the opposite effect. According to a poll of 2,020 people, almost half of Egyptian women are sexually harassed on a daily basis with more than half of Egyptian men admitting lewd behaviour, the Egyptian Centre for Women's Rights said on Thursday.

Most of the 83% Egyptian women and 98% of foreign women who've been harassed said they were harassed in the street or on public transport, with harassment defined as "any unwelcome behaviour of a sexual nature which makes women feel uneasy and gives them a feeling of insecurity."

Abul Qomsan said that almost two-thirds of Egyptian men -- 62 percent -- admitted harassing women, including those wearing Islamic headscarves. "This shows that the belief that harassment is linked to women who wear indecent clothing is false," she said, in an apparent "ah-ha" moment.

Humor-Blogs.com

Why I HEART The Onion

Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box

CHAPPAQUA, NY—After months of tirelessly supporting his wife on the campaign trail, devoted spouse and former president Bill Clinton breathed a resigned sigh Monday and carefully folded the charcoal silk, fitted sheath dress he had hoped to wear as first lady during next January's inauguration and placed it back in its beautiful box.

Steven Tyler Laid Off From Aerosmith As Band's Jobless Rate Hits 20%

BOSTON—After years of relative stability, the Aerosmith unemployment rate soared to an all-time high of 20 percent Monday following the downsizing of the band's vocal sector, Steven Tyler. The announcement of the largest-ever round of Aerosmith layoffs sent shock waves throughout the group, but band leaders said that four decades of perfect employment was "unrealistic" and that it was necessary to shed some of the graying, outmoded workforce.

"Explaining to a longtime Aerosmith employee that his or her job is being eliminated is one of the most difficult challenges we face in this business," Aerosmith manager Trudy Green said in a statement released this morning. "We thank Steven for his many years of loyal service, and wish him the best of luck in all his future endeavors."

Special Ops Veteran Slips Back Into Family Undetected

ORLANDO, FL—After spending six years overseas as a covert operations specialist, Joe Jacobs slipped silently back into his family unit Tuesday, reappearing inside his home's dining room as if out of thin air. "This truck exploded across the street, and when we looked back, Dad was sitting next to me, already halfway through his chicken-fried steak," said son Michael, adding that the pyrotechnic diversionary tactic was "classic Dad."

And finally: Why my brother should be a reporter for The Onion:

Capital Hill Rocked by Insect Porn Bust

Late Saturday, federal agents raided the offices of fourteen House and Senate members following a two year investigation focusing on illegal insect pornography.

The Insect Porn Task Force (IPTF) estimates that the insect pornography industry is a $10 billion dollar a year industry that reaches into nearly every facet of the American sociosphere. Because of the psychological damage suffered by bugs forced to participate in the lewd acts depicted in insect pornography, the publication, distribution, and consumption of insect pornography is prohibited by the USA Patriot Act, and violators are classified as ‘enemy combatants’ under federal law.

Humor-Blogs.com

Fat Men Have Bad Sperm

Yahoo said it, not me. But this is what I thought:

Confused Kidman gives birth Monday to daughter named Sunday.

Yahoo: Early Monday morning, Nicole Kidman gave birth to a very pale, very thin daughter. Thinking Australia, homeland of both parents, was a day behind the United States, she was pleased to announce that she and husband, country music crooner, Keith Urban, had named their daughter Sunday. In all actuality, it was really Tuesday in Australia. Urban reportedly left the hospital angry and upset. "People will think we are from Samoa", he told reporters.

In other news, it has been announced that ABBA will NEVER perform together again. Spokesperson for the group stated ABBA would like people to remember them as they were: young, exuberant, full of energy and ambition, (as compared to the rest of us, who would like to be remembered as old, grouchy, and lazy).

The last group to say they would NEVER perform together, the Eagles, disbanded in 1980 'until hell freezes over'. That album came out in 1994, and their most recent album 'Long Road out of Eden' was just released last year." Says band member Glen Frey, "the best way to make sure you'll sing together again, or do anything else for that matter, is to say NEVER".

FLDS fashions for kids sold on enterprising Web site

MOTHERS SAY TEXAS RAID FORCED THEM TO MARKET THEIR CLOTHING STYLE

By Brook Adams

Salt Lake Tribune
Article Last Updated: 06/30/2008 08:47:40 AM MDT

ELDORADO, Texas - A new clothing brand may be born out of the Texas raid on a polygamous sect. FLDS women for the first time are offering their handmade, distinctive style of children's clothes to the public through the Web site fldsdress.com.

Launched initially to provide Texas authorities with clothing for FLDS children in custody, the online store now is aimed at helping their mothers earn a living. The venture, which has already drawn queries from throughout the U.S., is banking on interest in modest clothes, curiosity and charity to be a success.

"We don't know what to expect on demand, but we have had a flood of interest," said Maggie Jessop, a member of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. "Our motive is not to flaunt ourselves or our religion before the world. We have to make a living the same as everyone does."

The initial Web site featured only photographs of clothes because the children were still in state custody. Now those are being replaced with photographs of smiling, beatific FLDS children modeling the fashions.

The sect is offering dresses, overalls, shirts, pants, nightgowns, sleepers, onesies for babies and, yes, ankle-to-wrist underwear. There are denim jeans for boys and "teen princess" dresses in plain, jacket and vest styles in pastel shades of pink, peach, yellow, green, aqua, blue, lavender and lilac. The dresses sell for $35.65. Women's apparel could be added if demand arises.
Jessop says Texas Child Protective Services was the inspiration for the enterprise. The department took custody of 440 children from the sect's Yearning for Zion Ranch in early April and eventually placed them in shelters throughout Texas, where they were expected to stay for up to a year. Most children had only a few changes of clothes - long dresses for girls and pants and long-sleeved shirts for boys, covering long underwear. "Some children had only the shirt on their backs, literally," Jessop said. By late April, some children had been told to stop using their unique underwear, and clothing was getting mixed up and lost on laundry days. That added to the pressure, Jessop said, to have the children don "gentile" - regular - clothes.

But the mothers resisted.

When CPS said there was no place to buy clothing that met the sect's dress code, the mothers had an answer. "We said, 'Yes you can. You can buy them from us,'" Jessop said. With their children gone, many mothers had idle hands, empty hours and a need to support themselves.
Often described as a "prairie-style" way of dressing in the media, the uniform FLDS fashion has been targeted by critics and cult experts who considered it an example of brainwashing within the sect.

The style became widely followed under current prophet Warren S. Jeffs. But sect members defend it as an outward reflection of their values that actually began roughly a decade ago. The transition was gradual, Jessop said.
Women wore out dresses that featured floral and gingham prints, flounces and frills, and replaced them with the plain, simple styles seen today. Jessop said the clothing preference is based on Biblical and Mormon scriptural references and a desire to apply those dictates more deeply to their lives.

"I really like wearing plain clothes," she said, because it is part of being able to "focus on doing things for others rather than on seeing how darling I can look."

Pop Psychology

Desert loving in your eyes all the way. If I listen to your lies would you say: I'm a man without conviction, I'm a man who doesn't know how to sell a contradiction. You come and go, you come and go. Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon. You come and go, you come and go. Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream: Red, gold and green, Red, gold and green. Didn't hear your wicked words every day, and you used to be so sweet I heard you say that my love was an addiction. When we cling our love is strong, when you go, you're gone forever. You string along, You string along. Every day is like a survival, you're my lover, not my rival. Every day is like a survival, you're my lover not my rival. I'm a man without conviction, I'm a man who doesn't know how to sell a contradiction. You come and go, you come and go.

In a freak instance of self-fulfilling prophecy, Boy George, whose hits include "Karma Chameleon", has changed from this:

To This:

To This:

To This:

Reefer Referendum

In Yahoo news today, I received a bad blow. My dream of returning back to Amsterdam without being under the watchful eye of my mother-in-law to smoke pot legally, without those messy feelings of guilt and regret, has been dashed. On July 1, the Netherlands will be one of the last European countries to ban smoking in bars and restaurants in compliance with EU law. The Health Ministry says the ban will apply to cafes that sell marijuana, known as coffee shops.

When we were there last August, I talked my MIL to at least SIT in Popeye's coffee shop so I could see what it was like - getting lots of negative vibes when I only ordered a Diet Coke. (I may have tried to inconspicuously inhale some second-hand smoke, but there's no proof):

Here is the coolest MIL EVER - she is all about the experience and was completely willing to come into Popeye's with me - no kidding!

Which means if I do go back, I'll have to try to just enjoy Amsterdam for the scenery only (grrr):

You may have already won $10,000,000!

Yahoo - In an odd turn of events, Ed McMahon is $644,000 behind in mortgage payments and is fighting foreclosure. It looks like someone needs the American Family Publisher's Sweepstakes bus to drive up to HIS door.

In related American Family Publishers news, Richard Lusk, an 88-year-old California man, flew across the country to Tampa, Florida, last week, persuaded that he had won $11 million in the American Family Publishers sweepstakes.

Although he had flown there in October on a similar mission and suffered a stroke the day after his return, Mr. Lusk again paid $1,700 for an airplane ticket. He wanted to hand-deliver his "winning" entry to the return address on a letter that declared: "Richard Lusk, Final Results Are In, and They're Official: You're Our Newest $11 Million Winner." Mr. Lusk, reports the Los Angeles Times, did not see the small print that said he had won only if he had the winning number. "I didn't see how I could be wrong," he said this week.

He was not alone. At least 20 people, most of them elderly, have flown to Florida in recent years seeking to claim fortunes, Tampa airport officials say.

Another great reason to have children! They may just save us some cash otherwise spent on a few unnecessary airplane trips when we're older and our judgment is shot.

Survivor: South American Style

Yahoo - Amazon Indians from one of the world's last uncontacted tribes have been photographed from the air, with striking images released on Thursday showing them painted bright red and brandishing bows and arrows. The photographs of the tribe near the border between Brazil and Peru are rare evidence that such groups exist.

The most amazing part of the rare photograph was the sighting of Elvis. Mark Reteeks, the pilot of the aircraft from which the pictures were taken, stated "We looked down at these little people with their little tiny bows and arrows and their little huts. We thought they were so cute. And then we looked over and saw Elvis, with his guitar and little pretend microphone, SINGING to the tribe people. My first thought was '[OMG]! I've hit pay dirt!' I mean, think of all the money I'm going to make selling this picture to People magazine! My second thought was 'Those poor little people. I wonder if they have satellite internet down there?.' I just teared up, you know?"

The New Cow

It used to be you'd have one of these in your backyard to help feed your family:

But times have changed, and now you need one of these:

Worst Nightmare EVER

In a tragic turn of events, the Olsen twins unknowingly consumed more than their allotted 300 calories per day. The story came to light Thursday morning, May 22, when Mary Kate, (or was it Ashley?), put a run in her brand new xxs fish net stockings. "At first we thought it may have been a jagged nail, but then we remembered, we just had manicures, so we KNEW it couldn't be that. Then, we totally looked at all of our food journals, but every calorie we've eaten for the last 15 years was completely accounted for. Later, it just occurred to us - its GOT TO BE THE LATTES!!"

According to SCOOP, a former barista from the Olsen’s oft-frequented Starbucks in New York’s West Village allegedly used to swap out skim milk for the full-fat variety when the girls came by for their caffeine fix because he thought the Olsens were too thin.

Ridiculous? Yes, it is, but someone close to the Olsens (who requested anonymity) said that she sympathizes with the twins — to an extent. “It’s also my worst nightmare — that and getting a huge diet fountain soda that is mistakenly regular Coke — but I can def [initely] taste the difference, so it’s their own fault if they fell victim.”

(If only we could all have BFF's like the Olsen Twins!)

The Vatican Goes X-Stream

Star Date 05142008: Ensign Stephanie reporting for the Captain. We are flying a course straight to the Gaia System in the Gamma Quadrant to gather supplies and perform the annual "spring" cleaning of the U.S.S. Enterprise. We are traveling specifically to use the universe's only known automatic Star Fleet ship wash....

I can finally think/believe that Star Trek IS real. (After all, there is a Wiki for it). I have been waiting so long for this, and my relief finally came last night at 4:07 pm when the AP published an article stating:

Vatican: It's OK to believe in aliens

The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, was quoted as saying the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones and believing that the universe may contain alien life does not contradict a faith in God.

"How can we rule out that life may have developed elsewhere?" Funes said. "Just as we consider earthly creatures as 'a brother,' and 'sister,' why should we not talk about an 'extraterrestrial brother'? It would still be part of creation."

In the interview by the Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Funes said that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures. Ruling out the existence of aliens would be like "putting limits" on God's creative freedom, he said.

Rare Interview with Michael Johns

This morning, after receiving the surprise of his (and my) life, and being voted off Idol, I was able to procure a rare phone interview with ex-idoler Michael Johns. You'll only find this HERE:

Me: Michael, I am shocked! You were one of my favs, and I cannot imagine how this happened. Especially with your song choice - one of my favorite songs ever, and definitely Aerosmith's best. How are you doing?

MJ: You know, its just another Day in the Life for me.

Me: Can you expound?

MJ: I mean when they said "Go Your Own Way", I just thought to myself, "Dude, It's All Wrong, But Its All Right", you know?

Me: No, I don't really know. I've wanted to, but have never actually been an Idol contestant.

MJ: Well, its like this. I came Across the Universe to get here, to get on Idol, but staying here in the states just doesn't Light My Fire. I'm ready to go back home, down under.

Me: Hmmmm. Those words sound so familiar. What does your wife say? Does she think there was some hokus pokus going on behind the scenes. It does seem kind of strange that you're the one voted off after singing such a great song, while Syesha remains after singing a song I've never heard of by someone named Fantasia.

MJ: My wife is very supportive. She just keeps reminding me that no matter what, "WE will Rock You, WE are the Champions". (he starts choking up just a bit here). She's just been great.

Me: Are there any parting words you'd like to tell everyone?

MJ: I just want to say to those of you have a goal, something you want to accomplish in life - work hard and Dream On. And also, Don't You (Forget About Me) - I'll be back!

Me: Thank you so much for the interview. Take care, and GOOD LUCK!

Journalism to Write About

In the most outlandish piece of journalism ever written, or at least ever read by me, you can learn about camels, using robots instead of children as jockeys for racing camels, test-tube purebred camels, and purchasing camels for over 4 million dollars. And here's another article about the same country, Dubai, that I've never heard of.

Wait, I take that back. The most OUTLANDISH piece of "journalism" every recorded was an article in People magazine (it pains me to say that, since I'm probably People's biggest fan) about (surprise) Tori Spelling. It was about her wedding/honeymoon to hubby #2. It was a "private" ceremony with just the two of them, no, wait, 4 of them if you count the guy who married them and THE PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER from People mag. After the ceremony, the 3 of them built a sand castle together. Touching. You can read more about it here - they say words that I don't, but it aptly expresses how I feel about it.

What I Miss Most About Idol

All in all, my time on Idol was AMAZING! I don't want y'all to think I am complaining. I totally dig that I was up on stage just being ME! My own Harley drivin', smokin', wild, hoarse voice, tight pants self. I don't know how I did it, growing my hair out real long one week, and then having it back to its own short self the next, but I did! That's what I miss most is my hair growin' shorter, then longer, then shorter, then longer. But man - its so dang good to be back in Indiana now - I love this place! Them people out in California, they just don't dig me the way folks here do. I'm at home here, ya know. You take care, y'all. I love you, man.

The Answer's in the Mail

DNA paternity testing kit goes on sale for 30 dollars

Great news from Yahoo tonight - A swab used to collect a saliva sample, a consent form, envelope and a waiting period of three to five business days is all there is to settling paternity issues with the home test kit. No more embarrassing trips to the doctor's office with multiple potential fathers in tow, and everybody staring when they should be reading their People magazines minding their own business. I think we'll ALL rest easier tonight.

Good News Mary

This post is for my friend Mary, who loves trash talk as much as I do.

I was just reading my weekly news magazine (In Touch), and came across this article! You can put those pics of Will back up on your bedroom ceiling - check this out!

Will Smith is not a Scientologist

Despite recent rumors that Will Smith and his wife, Jada Pinkett Smith, were converting to Scientology, the religion of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it's not true, insists Will. "You don't have to be Jewish to be a friend of Steven Spielberg. You don't have to be a Muslim to be a friend of Muhammad Ali. And you don't have to be a Scientologist to be a friend of Tom Cruise," the actor told the New York Daily News. "I am a Christian. I am a student of all religions. And I respect all people and all paths."

Sweet Dreams!

Paris

I was frustrated because there had been no news about Britney lately which really throws any kind of blog writer like myself into a tailspin for lack of material. But yesterday, I was rewarded by Yahoo with this article:

Paris needs a new BFF, (best friend forever), and what better way to find one than on a reality show. According to Hilton, who is the executive producer of the reality show, the 20 contestants will live, together, compete for the title of BFF, and learn from Paris "the secrets of celebrity living — how to turn your enchanted life into a multimillion dollar brand, how to manage public feuds and always rise above, how to survive scandal and then make it work for you, all the while wearing 6-inch heels." I don't know about you, but it sounds like everything I ever went to college for, but didn't learn. If you're interested in applying and/or learning all her secrets so you can 'find yourself' in prison, become your own reality show exec. producer someday, and have your own fragrance, here's the lowdown. If only we heard more publicity about more rich people, just because they are rich, then life would seem worth living.

Way to go, BUSTER!

LONDON - Already Britain’s oldest employee, 101-year-old Buster Martin now aims to become the world’s oldest marathon runner by completing the London Marathon and celebrating with a pint of beer and a cigarette.

Sprightly and bearded, he completed a half marathon at the weekend in five hours 13 minutes. The former Army physical training instructor works three days a week for a London plumbing firm and says he has trained for the April 13th race in his spare time.

I don't have any aspirations to live to be 101 and if I do, be happy about it! BUT, I would love to be healthy and able-bodied through the years that I have - which is why Buster is so inspiring to me. If you say to yourself "I can't run" - I want to you read this article and re-evaluate! I think what people are saying when they say they can't run is: I don't think I can run as fast as other people, so why should I try if I can't be good at it?

I am not a fast runner. I am slow. I am overweight. I sometimes even have conversations with the sweeper who brings up the back of the race to make sure a runner (or skier) isn't left out on the course. My pride does get beat up a bit when this happens - I am not made of stone, after all. BUT, I want to be able to exercise when I am 85, so I trudge on.