SMoKin' Hot Leadership

This year I am being allowed to participate (I think inadvertently) as one of the three leaders of our Christian home school group. I thought I'd try to come up with a slogan or logo to help encourage both the parents and kids. I have put forth my very best efforts - what do you think? If you were in our group, which one would you vote for?






With conservative, responsible people like me to lead today's youth, who needs teenage rockstars???

Humor-Blogs.com

Fat Men Have Bad Sperm

Yahoo said it, not me. But this is what I thought:

Mystery Solved

How man was made, or, what REALLY happened in Garden of Eden:

God created person with perfect set of 23 XX chromosomes. First 4th of July:



Small explosion blew off one leg of one of the X's, thus .... one XY chromosome. Man still has deep-seated fascination with fireworks/pyrotechnics/flames/matches/charcoal /lighters/bbq's/straight gas/etc, all stemming from this original mishap.

God had to go back to drawing board and create Eve with perfect set of 23 XX chromosomes.

Happy 4th of July!

Money-making opportunity

If you're anything like me, you could always use more cold hard cash. So I have found an easy way to get some green- the Global Security Challenge! Put your thinking caps on and check this out:

Here's what you need to enter:

Enter software or hardware solutions that help (a) protect people, critical infrastructure, facilities and data/electronic systems against terrorist or other criminal attacks and natural disasters or (b) help governments, businesses and communities defend against, cope with or recover from such incidents.

Here's when you need to enter by:

July 31, 2008

Here's what I will win:

• $500,000 cash-grant to be used to further develop your startup company. Grant is sponsored by TSWG of US Government
• $10,000 cash-grant for the best Crowded-Places Idea, sponsored by Secure Futures Ltd.
  
• $10,000 cash award for the best Security Idea, sponsored by Accenture
  
• Mentorship by leading venture capitalists, such as Siemens Venture Capital
  
• Unparalleled networking opportunity with government officials and industry leaders

Here's my entry (I think you can see why I feel so confident that I've got this little security contest all wrapped up):

In Other News...

I was looking through my husband's planner the other day and came across his page of user names and passwords. This one abruptly caught my eye:

user name: mike
password: kissmyass1

I was kind of shocked. It isn't like Mike to choose a crass password like that - he's typically more into game fish. I asked him why, and here's what he said:

"I typed in my usual password, and hit return - it wouldn't accept it. So I typed in my usual password, plus one number, and hit return - the computer rejected my password again. So then I tried the password with 2 numbers, then a different password with one number, then two numbers, then password with 3 numbers, etc. The passwords were continually rejected, and at about the tenth try - I was frustrated and typed this baby in. It was accepted."

Ahhhhh. Makes perfect sense now, Mike. Sometimes those words/phrases are just needed to adequately and succinctly express the world around us, aren't they sweetie?

Its all relative

I grew up in a small town in southern Utah. I was the only person in town who was not related to anyone, and I know, because this is what happened every single school year:

Bill Smith?
Here!
Bill, are you related to Mike and Stella Smith over in Warshington?
Yes, sir. They're my aunt and uncle.
Very good.

Susan Young?
Here!
Susan, you must be Brad and Cindy's daughter.
Yes. Kristin is my sister, she was in your class last year.
Great! Kristin was a great student and I expect you will be too.

John Leavitt?
Yes
John. Any relation to Mike Leavitt?
He's my dad's cousin.
He'll be governor some day - mark my words.
Yes, sir.

Stephanie Stanley?
Yes.
Stephanie - I don't know any Stanley's around here. Who are you related to?
I'm not related to anyone.
What about the Stanleys up in Orem - Jim and Darlene?
Nope.
Hmm. Where are you from? (he's thinking outer space)
Las Vegas, but my parents are from New York and Wisconsin
You're not cross-eyed. I thought everyone from out-of-state was cross-eyed? (ha ha ha)

Brandon Hatch?
Yes
Orrin Hatch your uncle?
Why yes he is!

And so it went, every year. I had forgotten about this until just the other day. I had to contact the school in preparation for my high school reunion. Here's the conversation I had:

"Hello, this is Stephanie Martin. I am calling to speak to the custodian to make certain bathrooms will be available to us on Saturday, June 14th."

"Hi Stephanie, just a minute, I'll put you through to the custodian......Are you related to any of the Martins around here?" (Memories rush back)

"No, sadly, I'm not."

The USPS how and why of upselling

The following is an actual conversation I had at the post office last week:

Me: "I'd like to send this package."
Postmaster: "How would you like to send it?"
M: Which ever way is cheapest.
P: Express mail is $33.95, Priority is $13.50
M: What about Parcel Post?
P: That would be $8.50, but it will take 6 days to get there.
M: I'm okay with that, I just want what's cheapest.
P: Would you like Delivery Confirmation?
M: No
P: Insurance?
M: NO. I need to send this too. How ever is least expensive. (I tried slowing down and phrasing it differently because I think sometimes I just don't speak clearly and maybe that's why the kids and Postmaster can't understand me very well).
P: Express mail is $10.15, Priority is $4.80.
M: What about First Class?
P: That is $1.80.
M: Then that's what I'd like.
P: Would you like Delivery Confirmation?
M: No
P: Insurance?
M: No.
P: Stamps?
M: Yes, please.
P: Roll of 100 for $42.00 or book of 20 for $8.40?
M: Book of 20, thank you.
P: We also have a collector's stamp yearbook for $64.95?
M: No thanks.
P: Stationary? Gifts? Pre-inked rubber stamps?
M: NO!!!

I find upselling surprisingly annoying at the post office. While I would expect it at a retail business, I don't expect it from a government agency. I googled this phenomenon, and what I found (in an online news mag for postal employees) will interest you:

The USPS upsells because...... they employ MYSTERY SHOPPERS! Window clerks are required to suggest a greater-priced item or service not once, (like most businesses), but FIVE times!!

So next time I'm in the post office, I think I will just stop them beforehand and reassure them I am not a mystery shopper, and to please go ahead and not offer me anything else except the ABSOLUTE-LEAST-EXPENSIVE-COSTING LESS-MONEY-MY-HUSBAND-DOESN'T-WORK method of shipping. I'll let you know how it goes.

Non-verbal language OR Why I love motarized scooters

The kids and I were shopping in the pharmacy department looking for....stuff.... and I heard a beeping sound – like the beeping an RV makes when its backing up. I turned around, and there was an elderly man sitting in his shopping scooter BEEPING at me and the kids to get out of his way so he can pass by. It struck me as both rude and funny at the same time. I realize he needed to get through and the aisles at Walmart unfortunately weren't made for one adult, 5 kids, AND a motorized scooter. On the other hand, he didn't look me in the eye, or say excuse me; just pressed his little button to say “get the hell out of the way, folks”, without really having to say it. Clever.

Becky's Ministry, Inc.

16 years ago this June, this woman standing with me (who isn't really Hillary Clinton, but my dear friend Becky) started up a Ministry to Other Young Women (MOYW).

It was kind of a shock when I found out I was actually a ministry to Becky instead of a friend, because she always seemed so sincere - like she really wanted to be friends. It was one of those ministries where you click instantly because you get each other's humor, and enjoy each other's company. I don't think she has ever once been paid to laugh at my silly immaturity - its all 'busy' volunteer work. She has so sweetly encouraged me as I pass through various life stages, disappointments, and trials, helping me see a bigger picture instead of just the little one I can see.

I don't know if I ever would have caught on that I was part of Becky's ministry, or that Becky even had a ministry, if someone hadn't asked about it. I think it was hard for that someone to understand how Becky could truly like me if it wasn't a ministry. I readily admit that I am no spiritual prowess, and could certainly use some ministering to.

Becky, I am hoping there is never a day you have to retire from MOYW and ditch me for medicaid. I can only aspire to return as much to our friendship as you give.

Uncle!

Dear Yahoo,

Thank you for the email message you sent this morning. Please don't discontinue my yahoo account. Attached is everything you've asked for. Please let me know if you need any further information.

Stephanie M.


Dear Account User,

This Email is from Yahoo Customer Care and we are sending it to every Yahoo e-mail User account owners for safety. we are having congestions due to the anonymous registration of yahoo accounts so we are shutting down some yahoo accounts and your account is among those to be deleted. we are sending you this e-mail to verify and let us know if you still want to use this account.If you are still interested please confirm your account by filling the space below. Your User name, password, date of birth and your country information would be needed to verify your account.

Due to the congestion in all Yahoo users and removal of all un-used Yahoo Accounts, Yahoo would be shutting down all un-used Accounts, You will have to confirm your e-mail by filling out your Login Information below after clicking the reply button, or your account will be suspended within 24 hours for security reasons.

* User name:..........................
* Password: ..........................
* Date of Birth:......................
* Social Security Number.............
* Driver License Number............
* Mother's Maiden Name...........
* Address.........
* Phone Number..........
* Children's Names and Ages............
* Country Or Territory:...............
* Copies of last 3 years Income taxes.....


After following the instructions in the sheet above, your account will not be interrupted and will continue as normal. Thanks for your attention to this request. We apologize for any inconveniences.

Warning!!! Account owner that refuses to update his/her account after two weeks of receiving this warning will lose his or her account permanently.

Sincerely.

Yahoo! Account Service.
Customer Care

Karaoke in the North

Last night, Mike and I were at a restaurant near our house. There we had the unfortunate luck to witness a table full of women in their late 50's singing into their microphones (formerly known as beer bottles). It was karaoke night, after all, but it just ain't cool (when you're sober). Soooo, I've come up with a new little rule of thumb for myself that I hope I can adhere to: If things I previously ate with, drank out of, wrote with, or brushed my teeth with, become something I sing into, smoke, strum, or use for a power point presentation, STOP. Go home, sober up, and bake some cookies with my grandkids. And if I ever get the courage to sing karaoke, you can say to me "pot, kettle, black". I'll deserve it.

Diagnosis: Russophilia

I am very pleased with myself today as I am on page 82 of the first real book I've read in years. I think the last real book was Bridget Jones Diary in 2001. By 'real', I mean that it isn't found in the young adults section of the bookstore (Harry Potter), the magazine section (People), or the trashy paperback section (Nora Roberts).

The story is about the Romanov's last days imprisoned in Siberia, their possible escape, and the final resting place of the $500 million in jewels hidden in their clothing. It's based on "decades of painstaking research" and the author's access to previously sealed Russian archives. (I wonder if I might even be able to consider this "non-fiction", which would be a first for me of that genre!!!) The book summary calls people like me Russophiles, which sounds bad, and there's treatment, but no known cure. After this, I am planning to embrace my Russophilia, and read more real books about Ivan, Peter, and Catherine, since this one is going so well.

Letter to Pepsi

Dear Pepsi Corporation:

I love your new Diet Pepsi MAX, but I drank some the other night, and couldn't get to sleep for quite some time. I am wondering if you could make Diet Pepsi MAX pm? Diet Pepsi MIN? By cutting out the caffeine and ginseng?

Thanks so much! I know it must be super nice for companies like you to get helpful feedback like this from innovative people like me.

Stephanie M.

Super Spiffy Toys

I have come across some super cool toys for little girls that I couldn't wait to share with you. The first: A pair of miniature wine bottles that fit perfectly into Barbie's well manicured hand for those difficult evenings after work, or when she's entertaining friends. The good thing about these bottles is that they never run out! But please, be a responsible doll owner and don't let Barbie operate her Corvette afterwards.

Next we have purse accessories for our little Princesses – 2 things we women just can't live without so why should we expect our daughters to? A small pink hand gun and a debit card. Notice her keys and cell phone are missing – just like mom's.

Beauty Secrets

I really really love Clinique's All About Eyes. I love they way I can rub a little bit of that silky cream into my eyelids and under-eye area and a few minutes later, the puffiness and wrinkles are gone. Last time I was at Clinique, I was raving about it, (trying to work the magic to get free product samples), and happened to ask the Clinique girl what was in All About Eyes that made it so remarkable. She told me Caffeine. Okay, that makes sense. Its a diuretic and pulls the fluid out of my eyes. So, since I'm always about the experiment, I bought some No-Doze yesterday and crushed up one of those pills with 200 mg of Caffeine into my favorite Burt's Bees face cream. What's good for my eyes should be good for my whole face, right? Well, so far, no good. My face feels kind of sticky, still looks puffy, and has just a little layer of gritty No-Doz residue. Its also kind of red and irritated. Plus, some of it got into my eyes, and I think I may be going blind. So now you know: Go to Clinique and buy the real stuff.

Fish Love

Mary is doing what she calls “the Adam and Eve” experiment. Its taking place in her upstairs bathroom in a fish tank on the counter. She started by buying two fish and allowing them to cohabitate in their very own aquatic Garden of Eden. Pretty soon, along came Cain and Abel. Cain killed Abel, and did whatever with his sister, and now they have some little fish babies. Grandma Eve and Grandpa Adam swam up to coral heaven – Mary had separated them in poor judgment, and believes they may have died of broken hearts. Hindsight is always 20/20

R-O-C-K in the U-S-A

Mary and I went to a Christian music concert last night - Casting Crowns. It was super terrific. I am going to put a Casting Crowns song over in my player for you to listen to. Our only disappointment was no mosh pit. And the one difference between going to rock concerts when you're young, and when you're a little older? The number of meds you have laying beside your bed the next morning. I woke up and found Mary's stash which included pain killer, biofreeze, antacids, and a mouth guard for that pesky teeth grinding.

Day 104,987 of Winter

We made our bed by choosing to live here, and now we must lie in it. Ugh!

2010: D-day for the Internet!

Today Yahoo ran a SCARE STORY, and it worked! (at least for me). I'll be up all night!!! I didn't really understand it all too well because it used lots of tech words that went whizzing right over my head - words like "bandwidth", "network infrastructure", and "traffic prioritization/shaping system". But I think the gist of it is that the cable dohickies they have running all over the world won't always be sufficient enough for the video stuff on the Internet, and that in two years, all hell will break loose. In 1999, I was probably the last person on earth to understand what Y2K was, and what the acronym meant, and SOME PEOPLE will never let me forget it, so this 2010 stuff is coming at me way too prematurely. I am simply not prepared for my lifeline to be snatched away from me like this.

The moral of the story: Blog now because you may not be able to blog in the future. The silver lining? I don't think there is one.

I'm Having a Pity Party, and You're All Invited!

/O.NEW.KDLH.FL.W.0003.080425T1725Z- 080429T0000Z/ /TACM5.1.ER.080425T0430Z. 080426T1200Z.080428T1200Z.NR/ 1225 PM CDT FRI APR 25 2008

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN DULUTH HAS ISSUED A:

WINTER STORM WARNING NOW IN EFFECT UNTIL 12 PM CDT SATURDAY.

SNOW ACCUMULATION OF 8 TO 15 INCHES IS EXPECTED TONIGHT AND SATURDAY MORNING FOR WALKER...GRAND RAPIDS...BIGFORK... ELY... CRANE LAKE AND INTERNATIONAL FALLS. THE SNOW MAY BE MIXED WITH SOME RAIN OR SLEET FOR A TIME...BEFORE CHANGING OVER TO ALL SNOW OVERNIGHT. THE SNOW MAY BE HEAVY AT TIMES...WITH VISIBILITIES OF LESS THAN A QUARTER MILE POSSIBLE. NORTHERLY WINDS WILL GUST TO 25 MPH AT TIMES...WHICH WILL ALSO CAUSE SOME BLOWING SNOW. THE MINNESOTA DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION REPORTS DIFFICULT DRIVING CONDITIONS ACROSS THE PORTIONS OF NORTH CENTRAL MINNESOTA. CONDITIONS WILL NO DOUBT CONTINUE TO DETERIORATE AS THE NIGHT WEARS ON.

A WINTER STORM WARNING MEANS SIGNIFICANT AMOUNTS OF SNOW... SLEET... AND ICE ARE EXPECTED OR OCCURRING. STRONG WINDS ARE ALSO POSSIBLE. THIS WILL MAKE TRAVEL VERY HAZARDOUS OR IMPOSSIBLE.

* FLOOD WARNING FOR THE PRAIRIE RIVER NEAR TACONITE. * UNTIL MONDAY EVENING...OR UNTIL THE WARNING IS CANCELLED. * AT 11:00 AM FRIDAY THE STAGE WAS 10.2 FEET. * MINOR FLOODING IS OCCURRING AND MINOR FLOODING IS FORECAST. * FLOOD STAGE IS 10.0 FEET. * FORECAST...THE RIVER WILL CONTINUE RISING TO NEAR 10.5 FEET BY TOMORROW MORNING. THE RIVER WILL FALL BELOW FLOOD STAGE MONDAY MORNING. AT 10.0 FEET... FLOOD STAGE.. THIS CREST COMPARES TO A PREVIOUS CREST OF 11.8 FEET ON APR 17 1969.

RECENT RAINFALL AND CONSIDERABLE SNOWMELT HAS CAUSED THE PRAIRIE RIVER TO RISE ABOVE FLOOD STAGE NEAR TACONITE. ADDITIONAL RAINFALL TODAY AND SNOWFALL TONIGHT MAY CAUSE THE RIVER TO RISE FURTHER.