Reach for (recovery like) the stars!

When considering your next rehab stint getaway vacation, I have eliminated the guesswork. Here is the very first decision tree for such an escape from the pressures and monotony of everyday life (with just a dash of behavior remodification on the side):

1. Can't remember how many husbands you've had? Spent your whole life savings on plastic surgery? Once ingested a tape worm to keep your girlish figure? If you can answer yes to at least 2 of these questions, check out the most expensive rehab of all:

You have to make your own bed every morning, but the upside is the fresh air and a Serenity Room where patients are encouraged to repeat mantras like ''Think of all of the good qualities that you have". If the Betty Ford Clinic is not right where you belong, go to #2.

2. Are Spaniards your "thing"? Do you have a high-pitched voice? Have you joined the cult following of Working Girl because it sports your favorite Carly Simon song "New Jerusalem", even though you don't get how that song relates to the movie?

Then FOR SURE try out Hazelden Foundation in Minnesota. Wooded walking paths along South Center Lake, Sunday afternoon movies, and a pool are a great way to sober up. If not, skip ahead to number 3.
3. Do you love women named Jennifer, and large pink diamonds? Do you blame Jews for all the world's wars? Did you come from the planet Ork? If you can answer yes to at least 2 of these, Promises will be a good fit. If not, skip ahead to #4.

Promises, the ritz of rehab located in Malibu, is designed for clients who are accustomed to luxury including celebrities, business executives, and government officials. Amenities include flat-pannel TVs, a fire place, swimming pool, tennis court, basket ball, amazing views, hard woods and tiles, a fountain, numerous patios and 'sitting areas' within a private, gated community.
4. Do you like singing the high notes in such classics as "All by Myself", "Hero", and 'Always be my Baby"? Are you biracial? Do you have emotional breakdowns when you don't get adequate sleep? If you answered yes to these questions, check out Connecticut's Silver Hill Hospital. Otherwise, skip down to #5.

"Silver Hill is a wonderful place if you need help in anything, whether it's depression, alcohol, drugs, or eating" (actual quote from rehab grad)

5. Are you a single mother prone to bad hair days and white convertibles? Does every outfit you wear SCREAM cowboy boots as an accessory? Can't get the song "Layla" out of your head? Then The Crossroads is your vacay. If not, skip down to question 6.

The Crossroads provides affordable treatment in a beautiful and serene atmosphere within the Caribbean, maximizing the confidentiality of each client. Amenities include massage, meditation, yoga, fitness training, and most importantly, relaxation. "Ahhhh, abstinence" is their motto.

6. Do you like to ski and L-O-V-E Disney or Spiderman remakes? Are you a switch-hitter in the bed partner department? Do coffee spots try to slip whole milk into your latte? If so, check out this next fantastic getaway Lodge. If not, skip down to question 7.

Cirque Lodge, a private mountain retreat with stunning floor to ceiling glass overlooking the Sundance ski resort and the cirque on beautiful 12,000 foot Mount Timpanogos. The retreat is located near the base of Mount Timpanogos and the mouth of Provo Canyon, a world-renowned fly-fishing and ice climbing area.
7. Do you love anything Hollywood? Do you carry around a small dog where ever you go? Do you have your own perfume or reality tv show? Then you may be made for Cliffside Malibu! If this description does not describe you, go to #8.

For only $62,500 per month, you can detox and stargaze at the same time: Cliffside Malibu meets the daily needs of patients enrolled in the drug rehab center including gourmet meals, laundry service, transportation, scheduling of appointments, Internet access and special requests (where appropriate).

8. Finally, if you answered no to all, South Coast Recovery is for you. Fun in the sun is the name of the game in this warm, inviting place. Stay in residential homes in scenic Dana Point, California, just minutes from Laguna Beach. There is nothing like the smell of the ocean, the cry of the seagull, and the humid, salty breeze to ease the shaking and discomfort that sometimes accompanies withdrawal.

For the a-list of rehab celebs, click HERE.


Ann said...

do you by chance have the number for Cirque Lodge?


SiouxsieQ said...

We're not worthy! We're not worthy! I don't know how you do this! You are amazing!

Tiburon said...

I am adding this to my speed dial list. Handy info to have :)