CHAPPAQUA, NY—After months of tirelessly supporting his wife on the campaign trail, devoted spouse and former president Bill Clinton breathed a resigned sigh Monday and carefully folded the charcoal silk, fitted sheath dress he had hoped to wear as first lady during next January's inauguration and placed it back in its beautiful box.
BOSTON—After years of relative stability, the Aerosmith unemployment rate soared to an all-time high of 20 percent Monday following the downsizing of the band's vocal sector, Steven Tyler. The announcement of the largest-ever round of Aerosmith layoffs sent shock waves throughout the group, but band leaders said that four decades of perfect employment was "unrealistic" and that it was necessary to shed some of the graying, outmoded workforce.
"Explaining to a longtime Aerosmith employee that his or her job is being eliminated is one of the most difficult challenges we face in this business," Aerosmith manager Trudy Green said in a statement released this morning. "We thank Steven for his many years of loyal service, and wish him the best of luck in all his future endeavors."
Late Saturday, federal agents raided the offices of fourteen House and Senate members following a two year investigation focusing on illegal insect pornography.
The Insect Porn Task Force (IPTF) estimates that the insect pornography industry is a $10 billion dollar a year industry that reaches into nearly every facet of the American sociosphere. Because of the psychological damage suffered by bugs forced to participate in the lewd acts depicted in insect pornography, the publication, distribution, and consumption of insect pornography is prohibited by the USA Patriot Act, and violators are classified as ‘enemy combatants’ under federal law.