Why I HEART The Onion

CHAPPAQUA, NY—After months of tirelessly supporting his wife on the campaign trail, devoted spouse and former president Bill Clinton breathed a resigned sigh Monday and carefully folded the charcoal silk, fitted sheath dress he had hoped to wear as first lady during next January's inauguration and placed it back in its beautiful box.

BOSTON—After years of relative stability, the Aerosmith unemployment rate soared to an all-time high of 20 percent Monday following the downsizing of the band's vocal sector, Steven Tyler. The announcement of the largest-ever round of Aerosmith layoffs sent shock waves throughout the group, but band leaders said that four decades of perfect employment was "unrealistic" and that it was necessary to shed some of the graying, outmoded workforce.

"Explaining to a longtime Aerosmith employee that his or her job is being eliminated is one of the most difficult challenges we face in this business," Aerosmith manager Trudy Green said in a statement released this morning. "We thank Steven for his many years of loyal service, and wish him the best of luck in all his future endeavors."

ORLANDO, FL—After spending six years overseas as a covert operations specialist, Joe Jacobs slipped silently back into his family unit Tuesday, reappearing inside his home's dining room as if out of thin air. "This truck exploded across the street, and when we looked back, Dad was sitting next to me, already halfway through his chicken-fried steak," said son Michael, adding that the pyrotechnic diversionary tactic was "classic Dad."

And finally: Why my brother should be a reporter for The Onion:

Late Saturday, federal agents raided the offices of fourteen House and Senate members following a two year investigation focusing on illegal insect pornography.

The Insect Porn Task Force (IPTF) estimates that the insect pornography industry is a $10 billion dollar a year industry that reaches into nearly every facet of the American sociosphere. Because of the psychological damage suffered by bugs forced to participate in the lewd acts depicted in insect pornography, the publication, distribution, and consumption of insect pornography is prohibited by the USA Patriot Act, and violators are classified as ‘enemy combatants’ under federal law.



Richard said...

My gosh, your brother is hysterical!!! even better than the onion ... I laughed so hard about the insect porn thing that i actually had an incontinent moment.

B. Still-er said...

Hmph!!! You are ridiculous! It wasn't THAT funny. This blog (NCH) is obviously much funnier. Out of the 2 siblings, its apparent that Stephanie has a more developed and keener sense of humor.

Donna Barber said...

WHERE do you get your information???
haha! If ever anyone wants information about well useless information I send them to your hilarious blog. Keep it up! :0)