Open Letter to the Cub Foods Comic

To the stand up comedian in the grocery store check-out aisle:

You may or may not remember me, but I was in your aisle yesterday, and have some advice for your little one-man show:

Brush your teeth. If you're going to trap us in the check out isle and share your witticisms, please brush, or at least pop in a tic-tac after that cigarette.

Keep it short. We're trapped against our will. Our groceries are being rung up, and we're trying to pay for them as fast as we can. We can't leave. You win - so have mercy on us.

Get some new material. That stuff you said about Bill Clinton's been said before, and it wasn't really that funny the first time I heard it.

Don't steal the show. Interact, and let others participate a little. You aren't the only person in line who thinks they're funny.

Know when to quit. If someone has paid for their groceries, and are walking away from the isle towards the door pushing a heavy cart while trying to keep track of 5 kids, let them go. Don't keep trying to get in that last one-liner.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

Egyptian Porn

I've been checking out my site meter recently and notice there are a lot of hits from Egypt. Puzzled, I looked into it further to see what search words they were Googling that would lead them to my little piece of nothing blog. Egyptian Porn. Egyptian. Porn. It was a joke, because really, head scarves? Sexy? Who knew?

And its not only you pervies from Egypt who are Googling Egyptian porn. There were also weirdos from Melbourne, Australia and New Jersey looking for the same thing. I can only draw 2 conclusions:

• If you want lots of hits on your blog, mention Egyptian porn.
• If you want male attention, put on a head scarf, and leave your cami and low-rise jeans at home!
  

Just Discovered: The NEW Flubber

While promoting this race yesterday, I had the good fortune to sit next to a booth selling these:

Just like flubber, Z-coils gain energy when they strike a hard surface. I am fairly certain they were invented by this man:
Similar to the Professor, you'll gain elevation each time you jump up and down. Before you know it, you will be able to leap over one of these:
Or win one of these:
Z - Coils only cost $200 (coils aren't cheap, after all), and soon, everyone who's anyone will be wearing them. Just remember that you found out about them here first.

Humor-Blogs.com

10 Beauty Tips for the Poor, Desperate Woman

1. Rub Vagisil on legs and underarms to numb before waxing or laser hair removal.

2. Want to fight aging and dry facial skin? 4 words: Budget Sized Nivea Cream. While your skin is still moist from washing, applying this rich skin cream to help trap the moisture in your skin and keep it in all night. It is the best-ever selling face cream used by women all over the world for decades.

3. To help tighten up pores, add about a teaspoon of vodka to your skin lotion or toner.

4. If you have blackheads, paint the affected area with Elmer’s Glue, let it dry and carefully peel off. The blackheads should come out stuck to the glue.

5. Apply Preparation H hemorrhoid cream before a big night out if you have forehead frown lines, loose upper arm skin, or other areas you want to tighten up. This will temporarily make skin look taut and smooth, including areas with cellulite.
6. For red, inflamed acne, cold sores, or bug bites, rub Visine and/or Preparation H onto spot - the Visine will reduce the redness, and the Preparation H will reduce the swelling.

7. Sleeping on your back will keep your pillow from smushing your facial skin that causes the lines that will eventually end up as permanent deep lines in your face.

8. Puffy red eyes and noses are not pretty. Stay beautiful by preventing allergies - take a spoonful of honey daily that is produced by bees in your geographical area, it will help you become immune to allergies of pollens since that honey is made directly from the pollens you’re affected by. Honey can also sooth and disinfect a sore throat, and ward off arthritis and joint problems.

9. Spread moist coffee grounds on your face and body for a natural looking tan. Leave on for about 20 minutes, then rinse. Tan should last for about 3 days. If you're not a coffee drinker, try adding the desired amount of straight Iodine to a bottle of baby oil and massaging it into your skin to get a suntan color.

10. For inexpensive leg waxing, heat corn syrup to 225 degrees, using a candy thermometer. Cut coffee filters into strips. When syrup cools to about 100 degrees, spread on skin using a dull butter knife, place strip on top, rub gently, and pull quickly from the bottom up.

Most of these tips were taken from Beauty and the Budget

Great Gifts for Dad

Its not too late to say "I love you Dad, even though I forgot Father's Day" with these fantastic gift ideas:

Worst Compliment Ever

3 different people on 2 different occasions have felt the overwhelming need to open their yaps to tell me I look just like Kathy Bates in the movie Misery. PLEASE - you may share this sentiment, but if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Lie to me, buy my love, and tell me I look like Angelina Jolie instead. I hate to think of what could happen:

What WOULD he do?

Next time you find yourself in a moral/ethical dilemma, or even in physical peril, I want you to ask yourself: