Wallets on a Chain

I had the unfortunate experience several months ago to need new tires for our minivan. Unfortunately, it wasn't only the cost that was unfortunate. It was the man with his wallet chain worn from back pocket, between his legs, and clipped on his front belt loop. Something I'd rather not have to look at for 45 minutes in a waiting room. He didn't sit down while he was waiting - I imagine that wouldn't work so hot with his wallet being on a rather tight leash.

But as frequently happens, something negative can be turned into a positive. I went home that night trying to look for the silver lining in having a chain between my legs and not being able to sit down. And it occurred to me that one might expend more calories if they couldn't sit down and had to spend the majority of their time standing. So that very night, I ordered one of these off the internet:

I had my husband lengthen the chain for me just a little bit but not enough that I could sit down without quite a bit of discomfort. In fact, here's a chart to look at. When you're sitting down, you want to be somewhere between pink and red, but either apple green or lime green when standing up or lying flat, so you can stand and sleep in relative comfort.

Within a couple of days, I started noticing the extra weight that I'd been carrying around for years seemingly melt away. I began journaling my experience with the chain, and recording my food intake, estimated calorie expenditure, and weight loss each day. After only one month, I had lost an astounding 50 pounds!*

I am currently trying to find a publisher for my new book. I guess there are still some hoops to jump through - like making certain my idea will be safe from lawsuits, and testing my claim, etc - but I can't foresee any problems. Its obviously a very credible method for weight loss.

*results not typical, number may be exaggerated for literary purposes.

10 Beauty Tips for the Poor, Desperate Woman

1. Rub Vagisil on legs and underarms to numb before waxing or laser hair removal.

2. Want to fight aging and dry facial skin? 4 words: Budget Sized Nivea Cream. While your skin is still moist from washing, applying this rich skin cream to help trap the moisture in your skin and keep it in all night. It is the best-ever selling face cream used by women all over the world for decades.

3. To help tighten up pores, add about a teaspoon of vodka to your skin lotion or toner.

4. If you have blackheads, paint the affected area with Elmer’s Glue, let it dry and carefully peel off. The blackheads should come out stuck to the glue.

5. Apply Preparation H hemorrhoid cream before a big night out if you have forehead frown lines, loose upper arm skin, or other areas you want to tighten up. This will temporarily make skin look taut and smooth, including areas with cellulite.
6. For red, inflamed acne, cold sores, or bug bites, rub Visine and/or Preparation H onto spot - the Visine will reduce the redness, and the Preparation H will reduce the swelling.

7. Sleeping on your back will keep your pillow from smushing your facial skin that causes the lines that will eventually end up as permanent deep lines in your face.

8. Puffy red eyes and noses are not pretty. Stay beautiful by preventing allergies - take a spoonful of honey daily that is produced by bees in your geographical area, it will help you become immune to allergies of pollens since that honey is made directly from the pollens you’re affected by. Honey can also sooth and disinfect a sore throat, and ward off arthritis and joint problems.

9. Spread moist coffee grounds on your face and body for a natural looking tan. Leave on for about 20 minutes, then rinse. Tan should last for about 3 days. If you're not a coffee drinker, try adding the desired amount of straight Iodine to a bottle of baby oil and massaging it into your skin to get a suntan color.

10. For inexpensive leg waxing, heat corn syrup to 225 degrees, using a candy thermometer. Cut coffee filters into strips. When syrup cools to about 100 degrees, spread on skin using a dull butter knife, place strip on top, rub gently, and pull quickly from the bottom up.

Most of these tips were taken from Beauty and the Budget

My own innate ability

I have been searching for quite some time for something I am REALLY good at - my natural talent. In a crazy twist of fate, I stumbled upon it today while making myself a tasty nacho snack: I'm an Artist, using food as a medium!The Sunflower (c)

I know there has to be a market for my work someplace....

Graphology

In a recent article about the presidential candidates and the very highly scientific study of Graphology, experts can determine who will make a better president based solely on their signature. Graphologists examine loops, crossed "t's," letter spacing, slants, heights, ending strokes, etc., but they believe that such handwriting minutiae are physical manifestations of unconscious mental functions. Graphologists believe such details can reveal as much about a person as astrology, palm reading, psychometry, rumpology (which is my next blog post), or the Myers-Briggs personality type indicator. (hmmmmm). However, there is no evidence that the unconscious mind is a reservoir of truth about a person, much less that graphology provides a gateway to that reservoir. (I'd like to add that nothing about my mind is a reservoir, but more a puddle. Anyhow, carry on).

Graphology is claimed to be useful for everything from understanding health issues, morality and past experiences to hidden talents and mental problems. Most importantly, even NON-EXPERTS are able to correctly identify the gender of a writer about 70% of the time!! (This I'm really looking forward to as I've been wanting to identify my gender for a long time AND I'm a non-expert!) For more information on Graphology, check this out.

I am now going to put on my Forensic Document Examiner hat and dissect my own signature to extract my true character (and gender).

Slant of my writing is neither to the left or right, so that indicates:

Moderate, restrained emotional expression. Except when tired and dealing with children, and/or animals who pee in the house, as indicated by the low height of the h, meaning tolerance in these situations is rather low.

The angle of the lines on unlined paper is slanted upward, so that indicates:

Optimism and higher energy.

We take into consideration the general shape of the strokes (circular vs. angular vs. square vs. squiggles). My Circular handwriting indicates:

An agreeable, easygoing nature. It is not quite clear from the handwriting if this is a natural personality trait, or something inspired by narcotics.

Next, we look at the letter "t", which has the largest number of interpretations. For example where the horizontal "bar" of the t is placed on the vertical "stem" indicates where one places their goals, while the height of the t stem indicates the potential to accomplish those goals. A low t bar indicates goals set lower than what can be accomplished. A t bar high on the stem indicates goals set high. A t bar that is above the stem indicates setting goals higher than can be accomplished. Mine would indicate:

Moderate potential with goals set neither too high or too low. The marker fading out at the end of the stroke when crossing the t unfortunately indicates that subject peters out just before actually completing the goal or task.

Finally, we assess the pressure applied on the paper while writing, which indicates the emotional intensity behind a person's behavior. The heavier the pressure, the more intense the emotions of that person. Since my signature is neither signed with too little pressure or too much pressure, this would indicate:

Flabby arms without enough muscle strength to provide adequate pressure coupled with intense emotions stemming from excessive chaos in the home and way to much dirty laundry piled up. This would also indicate writer to be female.

Wow! This is truly amazing! So accurate!

Everyone Can Be Photogenic....or NOT

I saw this picture today, and thought I would research some photograph info so that when YOU run for president, we don't have to look at bad photos of you on the Internet.

If you have even a slight double chin never take the photo from underneath your face. Here is a perfect example:

A seemingly universally flattering angle is slightly above and having your face turned at an angle. A full on face shot makes for a round face. It's usually more flattering to turn to a slight angle. Learn how your face looks from a profile to a full face shot and all the angles in between. A good standard angle is a 3/4 shot, with both eyes visible to the camera. If your eyes are different sizes you can minimize the difference by turning the larger eye away from the camera in a 3/4 profile, this will mean the smaller eye appears larger because it's closer to the camera, and the discrepancy will even out.

Women: wear make-up. Even a little foundation will help even out your complexion. Men: shave. Or at least trim your eyebrows & stray nostril hairs. (I think this is a good rule of thumb even when NOT having your picture taken)

Look slightly above the camera — apparently Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis did this. Wait just a minute - who could see where she was looking anyway with those big huge sunglasses on? Unfortunately, you can't wear shades and scarves 24/7, especially if you're running for president.

Don't be afraid to smile once in a while but remember that smiles cause lines on the face. A relaxed face with no smile or a very small quirk of the lip combined with alert and sparkling eyes can convey as much emotion as a full bore smile.

Most importantly, I found this gem while doing my research: When you point your toes all sorts of good things happen (???), your legs get longer (!!!), your calves get shapely, and if you're on the balls of your feet your posture gets better. You should always be aware of good posture. If you aren't wearing high heels, pretend you are by pointing your toes. (I am wondering if I have to do this all the time, or just when getting my picture taken?)

Today's Chinese Proverb: "I hear, I forget. I see, I remember. I do, I understand. (p.512)

Difficult Fashion Choices Part 2

Another chance for you to show your fashion savvy here. Another set of difficult choices. Fat free vs. sugar free, Old Navy vs. The Gap, Honda vs. Toyota, and..... wide leg vs. tapered. Is it time to throw one (or both) of these comfy jeans away? I never know what is "in" at a particular moment in time. I have difficulty with fashion. I read an article recently that said you should spend more money on jeans than other items of clothing. You should buy two pairs and have one pair hemmed for everyday shoes and one pair hemmed to wear with high heels? Please tell me where to purchase a pair of jeans that looks good with high heels! Wouldn't those jeans have to be kind of tapered? You couldn't wear wide leg jeans with high heels, could you? Unless they meant high heeled boots? Help!

Difficult Fashion Choices Part 1

We all face some hard choices each day and throughout our lives - such as which college to go to, should we get married or break up, should we try for another mouth to feed, should I get my hair layered or cut all one length, dressing on the salad, or on the side, should the refrigerator door be opening to the left or to the right, etc. But I think there is one question that has endured through all these other questions: should I tuck in my shirt or leave it untucked?

The Pretend Miracle of Tiny Tats

Mike and I did something CRAZY today! We traveled to Bemidji, Minnesota to Nan's Not-so-Nice Nano Needle Tattoo Parlor (her slogan is "Make a Small Statement - Secretly") We both got tiny tats - well, I got a Tiny Tat, and Mike got a Teeny Tiny Tat (see pics)(The tiny tat is a new nano-needle technology which is a cross between Willard Wigan's Microsculptures and Rice Art). We are so thrilled with the results - the detail is absolutely incredible! We have always wanted tattoos, but were a little hesitant of what our peeps might think of us - desecrating our bodies, and all. Mike was especially concerned of the image he might portray because he KNEW he wanted the flag/eagle motif, but didn't want people to assume he was a biker vet. So this was our great compromise. I feel just a little bit rebellious! Think of how many tattoos we can put all over our whole body now with no one the wiser! Plus, there's no remorse - if you don't like it, just cut it out! She also does Itty Bitty Body Piercing, for those of you who are interested...

Some Good Advice

May I recommend to you eyebrow waxing? Please don't take it personally. It's something I think everyone could benefit from, not just you. Although, I must warn you, there is some trauma involved (my face is an ANGRY red after having those little hairs ripped out by the roots). But see how nice and defined my eyebrows are after our little procedure, and how much happier I am? My face looks uncluttered, doesn't it? Yours could look like that too, you know. I think I would even like you more if you waxed your eyebrows. But no pressure, really. If you want to go around with messy eyebrows and no clear definition, whatever. I have to tell you, honestly - you look almost angry and depressed with those large hairy brows kind of drooping down into your eyelid area. This is what friends are for, right?